The Storm inside my Soul

This time around the year i get into my thinking spree. I try to see what changed me in one full year, to reach my birthday again. And eventful doesn't quiet describe whats been happening with me for quiet sometime. Some might call it over reacting and over thinking but then that's not how i see it. initially it did feel "drowning in Low Tide" but then never has the thought to change the things that describe me occur so frequently.

If i say something it hurts people, if i don't either everyone pokes me till the former happens or i bottle it up to later physically hurt "some specific people".
I used to love how could say everything that crossed my mind. For me thinking before speaking was a waste (why electrocute my brain cells for the major part of the day). And never ever had anyone around me objected to that (may be they liked it too). At least they didn't let their ego get in the way but shot back instantly. Any which way i was comfortable with that. But its not the same, actually nothing for the past 6 months has been.

I tried to gel with the "girls", sorry not my piece of cake. Tried being polite to people who annoyed me, didn't work either. Tried thinking before talking but then my words per minute frequency hit an all time low. So then i again went back to "I'm awesome" but stumbled again.

Then I have this violent streak in me but never had it channeled through my actions than in the recent past, it was just verbal. Though i can't be proud of that either, but it has been surfacing a lot. And i really don't like it. Is it because I'm trying not to say everything or is it idiopathic (ya check the dictionary)?
I don't want to say i regret what happened because my pride comes in the way (there are just 2 things that i regret doing in life, so that's why) but then i really want to go back in time to change how certain situations turned out.

Yes, my over thinking has been happening a lot lately. May be its a part of growing up because may be, and just may be people start taking everything seriously.(But half the time I'm intentionally and the other half being unintentionally ignored, so when do people mind what i say?)

Anyways, both these things make me end up not hearing what the other person has to say, instantly coming up with some shit to answer back with and then getting angry because lets face it who wants to be wrong, or even accept if they were.

Yes i have answers which say i need to change, if not everything, some aspects. Being wrong but being politically correct is acceptable i guess. But the thought of wanting to  tamp with the perfect is creating a problem.

Okay the last sentence was a joke just to lighten it up. I cant be saying I'm perfect in the same post where I'm letting out how being me completely hurts people around me and then in turn me (in more than a 1000 or 750 words).
I am hesitant, a lot. Letting go of things that i think describe me is obviously difficult. That's what is making it harder than it seems, losing MYSELF.

Waiting to be untangled, a 20 year old Me :)